


This Charming Man

by AssassinatedBeauty



Category: The Smiths
Genre: 1980s, Anorexia, Break Up, Bulimia, Depression, Drug Addiction, Drug Use, Heroin, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, Sad, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-29
Updated: 2018-02-05
Packaged: 2019-03-10 23:52:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 6
Words: 4,090
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13512378
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AssassinatedBeauty/pseuds/AssassinatedBeauty
Summary: The pressure finally gets to morrissey





	1. Chapter 1

It's hard being the Most iconic member of one of the world's hugest bands. Johnny has it easy,he's thin and attractive. I'm a chubby mess. Johnny says I'm beautiful but I'm not. He tells me that I'm really thin but I'm not.  
Why would someone I love lie to me?  
It's so confusing.  
I feel like I'm under constant pressure to be thin,to be perfect and to be beautiful.  
I'm always so stressed out.  
I have 2 ways of making myself feel better.  
I cut myself,but only on my thighs so nobody notices. My thighs are completely covered in angry red scars.  
The 2nd way I just started doing a week ago.  
It's starving myself.  
I just tell everyone I don't feel well. It's making me dizzy and nauseous but it's so worth it to be thin.  
I walk into the bathroom and step on the scale.  
135 Pounds.  
Fuck  
I only lost 5 pounds.  
I'm so upset I need something to hurt myself with. I grab one of the razor blades I keep in my pocket and start cutting my wrists letting the blood drip out all over the bathroom floor.  
This feels so good  
I clean up the blood and I put on a long sleeved sweater. I walk over to andy's room too check up on him.  
Then I see something that made me want to cut again.  
He's passed out on the floor with a needle in his arm.  
I begin to freak out then I realize he left the heroin out and he has a stash of clean needles under his bed.  
I'm just gonna try it once.  
2 weeks later  
I wake up at around 10 am and I immediately reach under my bed for my stash.  
Nobody except Andy knows about this.  
Not even Johnny  
I shoot up some heroin and it feels so fucking good.  
I walk into the bathroom and puke my guts out.  
I step on the scale to see how much weight I've lost.  
117 pounds.  
I lost 28 pounds! This is so amazing!  
I get back into bed with Johnny and he's still sleeping so I fall asleep too.  
When I wake up a few hours later and he's sitting up next to me looking worried.  
"we need to talk" are the first words that come out of his mouth in an angry firm voice.  
"Morrissey,I'm not stupid,I can see that you're using heroin. I can see your pupils are always really tiny and you have trackmarks all over your arms. I can also see the self harming. Give me your razor blades and show me were you keep your heroin" he says with an angry tone glaring at me directly in the eye.  
"No" I say without hesitation.  
Johnny gets pissed and storms out of the room.  
I love him but I love heroin more.


	2. Falling apart

Johnny is pissed at me. He's still mad about yesterday. He's still giving me the silent treatment.   
He made me sleep on the couch. I snuck back into our room to get my stash. I don't get why Johnny has such a problem with heroin. It's not even that bad! It's just heroin!  
After getting up from my heroin nap Johnny is sitting down on the ground next to the me.  
"I'm really really sorry Morrissey..." he says with a sad regretful tone wearing the saddest face I've ever seen.   
I start to tear up and give him a huge hug. He smiles at first and then he gets a worried look.   
"Morrissey...you're really skinny...." he whispers his beautiful eyes filled with worry.  
I scoff at this. "Morrissey,I'm serious I'm really worried about you...when's the last time you ate something?" He asks on the verge of tears.   
"I um...ate something this morning" I lie with a shaky tone. Johnny looks pissed again   
"You're lying!!! You slept the entire day!!! You've been doing nothing but sleeping since you started doing heroin!!! Tell me the truth!!!" He yells with an angry tone and he's the most pissed I've ever seen him. "I'm not stupid" he snarls at me.   
I can't keep it a secret anymore,but he'll freak out. I don't see why,I'm just losing some weight. It's a good thing. I need to be thin.   
I'm going to tell him.  
"Johnny...I'm anorexic" I confess with a smile on my face hoping Johnny won't freak out.   
He starts bawling  
I try to calm him down but it doesn't work. When I tell him that it's a good thing and he starts crying harder.   
I feel kinda guilty but I need to be thin.  
1 week later   
Everyone has been trying to get me to eat anything,and every time I refuse to. I keep telling them I need to be thin. "You're already way too thin!!!" Mike yells. I scoff and walk away pissing everyone off.  
I walk into Mine and Johnny's bathroom to weigh myself   
106 pounds  
It's progress but I still need to be thinner. My pants start to slip down. I pull them up and they slip down again. This has been happening a lot. They're 3 sizes too big. All my shirts are baggy as well. The reason I just don't buy new clothes is because I don't want the others to notice how much weight I'm losing. They'll freak and force me to see a doctor. They forced me to see one after Johnny snitched to them about my self harming. They bandaged me up and gave me a prescription for anti depressants. I refuse to take them,which is making everyone worried especially Johnny. A few days ago he tried to force me to take them by shoving them in mouth but I spit them out.   
I don't need them.  
I walk out of the bathroom and I get a bad chest pain. I grab my chest and sit down on the bed and it gets worse. I get some heroin and shoot up. It makes me feel so much better. Johnny walks in and cuddles up next to me and then frowns.   
"Morrissey,how much weight have you lost" he asks in a shaky worried voice.  
I lie and tell him I've only lost 12 pounds. He gets that pissed look again like he knows I'm lying again.  
"I know you're lying" Johnny hisses at me.   
I scoff at him. "No I'm not" I blatantly lie with a shaky tone. Johnny rolls his eyes. "Whatever,if you're gonna lie like this fine,just don't come crying to us when you're too weak from hunger to walk by yourself or if you're cutting and you give yourself permanent nerve damage. We keep trying to help you but you just won't listen! We care about you! We don't want you to die!" he yells loudly at me. He gets up from the bed and starts to walk out the door. "And by the way,I can tell you're high" he hisses at me before he slams the door.  
I start to feel sad for a second,but then I shoot up some more heroin and everything feels so much better.


	3. Stretched thin

It's around midnight when my hunger pangs get so bad they wake me up. I've been getting these a lot.  
I some bad ones when we were rehearshing. Mike said I'm only going to make them go away if I eat something. I just rolled my eyes and tell him I can use heroin to make them go away. He got really pissed and yelled at about how everyone is trying to help me and I'm just acting like a brat.  
He's so annoying. It's just heroin! I told him nothing bad is going to happen and he called me stupid and said that it could kill me.  
He's just lying.  
I get out of bed to get my stash and I hear someone puking. It sounds different this time though. It's not like Andy when he shoots up too much heroin too fast and then Mike yells at him about how he deserves it.  
It sounds forced.  
And it's coming from my bathroom.  
I slowly open the door and I'm shocked.  
I catch Johnny with both his fingers down his throat.  
I'm in shock. I slowly back up and Johnny is continuing to purge. I get back in bed and resist the urge to cry. I can't believe someone as beautiful as Johnny would do that to himself. He's already so thin. I started starving my so I could look like him. Now I see that I also need to start purging.  
I get the heroin shoot up and pass out.  
I wake up at around noon and I get out some more heroin. I'm getting ready to shoot up but then Mike calls my name from the living room so I walk in there and Mike is sitting on the couch waiting for me.  
"Morrissey you're going to see a doctor" he informs me in a dead pan tone.  
I start to freak out. "I don't need a doctor!!!" I yell at him.  
He gets really pissed and yells back "Yes you do!!! You're skinnier than Johnny now!!!! Your pants keep slipping down despite the fact that they're a size small and you keep continuing to cut and starve yourself and you refuse to take your meds!!!".  
What's bad about starving myself!? I need to be thin! I don't need any meds!  
"I'm not going you can't force me" I reply back.  
"Yes you are! Even if I have to drag you there by myself!" he yells at me angrily.  
I give up. I'm gonna go there and the doctor is gonna say I'm healthy.  
I give in and Mike tells me to get ready.  
I walk into my room and I hear Johnny puking again. I really want to help him but I'll look like a hypocrite.  
My pants keep falling down so I borrow a belt from Andy.  
Mike doesn't take me to a normal hospital,he takes me to a mental health clinic.  
This is ridiculous. I don't need help  
We wait for a few minutes and then the doctor calls us in.  
He's an attractive young blonde most likely in his mid to late 20s. He's also very thin. I wish I was thin like him.  
First He has me step on the scale.  
99 pounds  
The doctor is obviously shocked by the number and Mike is also shocked.  
I step off the scale and the doctor starts asking questions. I tell him I've been self harming every day, I've been starving myself to the point of nearly passing out and I haven't started purging yet.  
He goes on and on about how this is affecting my heart and whatever.  
I ask him if he's done yet. He says he's done about as much as he can do himself but I could receive outpatient treatment if I wanted to. I tell him thank you but no thank you,but I don't need rehab.  
He then says it would help me get over my heroin addiction.  
Mike hears this and gets really mad. I freak out and ask how he knew.  
He said he found out from my blood test.  
Mike grabs my wrist firmly and tells the doctor he'll look into some treatment centers.  
He drags me out and the car ride is filled with him yelling at me about how he now has to deal with 2 junkies and how as the lead singer of the band I shouldn't be taking so many risks with my health.  
When we get back to the house he forces me to show him my stash and he throws it all out.  
I only showed him my main stash. I still have my backup stash so whatever.  
After that he says he'll be weighing me everyday to see how much weight I'm losing. I roll my eyes and I walk back into my room and I hear Johnny puking again. I really really want to help him.  
How I can I help him if I'm sick too?


	4. Saying Goodbye

1 week later  
I started starving myself so I could be thinner than Johnny but now Johnny is skin and bones. He keeps purging now matter how much I tell him he's already beautiful.  
He's doing it right now. I try to walk to the bathroom but I get a bad chest pain and I collapse. I try to get up but I fall down again. My pants fall down again and my heart flutters again. Damn it,how am I supposed to help Johnny if I can't even walk to the door?  
Mike walks in the room and he immediately looks at me disgusted.  
"I bought you those pants a week ago,how much do you weigh now!? You look like a skeleton!!!" he hisses at me. I gather all my strength and walk over to the door and lean up against it.  
"Please stop Johnny...I love you" I plead to him. Mike gets mad and pushes me away from the door which makes me fall down.  
"you can't lecture him if you're doing it too you fucking hypocrite!!!" he angrily screams at me while kicking me. I begin to sob. He's so mean! He kicks me some more and Johnny walks out and gets extremely upset at Mike. "LEAVE HIM ALONE!!!" he yells at Mike helping me up. I need help with a lot of things now. I have trouble standing and walking and I have to be helped off stage. I can't open car doors and Johnny has to help me out of bed. The press is starting to notice it to. They're constantly running stories about my "problems" and putting bets on when I'm gonna die. It's ridiculous.  
Mike walks out and opens Andy's door and then he let's out the most horrified scream I've ever heard.  
"HE'S NOT BREATHING OH MY GOSH SOMEONE CALL AN AMBULANCE" he screams. I panic and thank GOD there's a phone in Andy's room. I run into his room and Andy looks awful. He's passed out with a needle in his arm eyes completely glazed over.  
The 911 operator picks up the phone and I start freaking out more. "MY FRIEND IS OVERDOSING ON HEROIN,PLEASE SEND HELP!!!" I yell into the phone. She urges me to calm down and that help is on the way. I hang up the phone and scurry over to Andy I hug him and tell him everything is going to be okay.  
5 minutes later the ambulance arrives and they bring Andy to the hospital.  
We follow the ambulance and everybody is freaking out.  
When we get there Mike has to help me out of the car and has to help me into the building.  
Waiting in the waiting room is excruciating. My pants fall down again this time refusing to stay up. The only way they'll stay up is if they get caught on my hipbones. Which they do.  
Mike notices this and looks at me worried. "Uh Morrissey...how much do you weigh now? " he shakily asks me.  
“88 pounds” I bluntly tell him. He looks beyond horrified . He covers his mouth in shock.  
Johnny looks worried too.I don't know why he's worried about me.  
He told me this morning he weighs 84 pounds. If I'm going to be thin like him I need to lose only 4 more pounds. It'll be easy.  
Johnny gives me a big hug and I can feel how thin he's gotten. He's so bony I can feel his ribcage even through his sweater. I hope I can be this thin soon. He gives me a big kiss and I let him sit on my lap.  
We wait for wait seems like forever when the doctor comes out into the waiting room with the most distraught face I've ever seen.  
He walks over to us slowly.  
"I'm so sorry to tell you this but your friend Andy has died" he informs us while on the verge of tears.  
I start sobbing,we all do. I can't believe this.  
He was one of our best friends and now he's gone.  
We decide to go home and the entire car ride is silent. We're all in shock.  
When we get home I walk into my room and get in bed. I just want the night to be over.  
Johnny walks in the room too but for a different reason.  
He wants me to show him where I keep my heroin.  
I refuse to tell him and he yanks the blanket off me. "TELL ME RIGHT NOW!!!!! I'M NOT FUCKING PLAYING AROUND!!! HEROIN JUST FUCKING KILLED ANDY AND YOU STILL CHOOSE YOU USE IT YOU SELFISH BRAT!!!" he yells at me.  
I still refuse. "Just because it killed dosent mean it'll kill me!!!" I plead with him. "You don't know that!!!" he yells at me again. I still refuse.  
"Whatever,you can do as much heroin as you like but you'll be doing it alone, I don't want to be your boyfriend anymore" he firmly tells me.  
"Please no!!! I love you so much Johnny!!! Don't leave me!!!" I plead with him. We refuses to listen and slams the door on the way out.  
Mike heard the entire thing from his room and walks into the room.  
"Tell me your heroin is right now or you're kicked out of the smiths" he says in an scarily deadpan voice.  
I try to tell him but then I get a bad chest pain,like really bad. Mike goes from mad to sympathetic. "Please Please Please eat something,I don't want to loose you too" he pleads with me. I tell him I can't and that I need to be thin like Johnny. This makes Andy really mad.  
"Johnny is dying and you want to look like him!? You both need help!!!" he yells at me before slamming the door again.  
I started starving myself so people would love me,but now it's making me push away everyone I love.


	5. End and beginning

1 week later  
Johnny still hasen't taken me back. He keeps ignoring me. I love him but I love heroin more. The one time this week he did say something is when he said he couldn't watch me die like this. I'm not dying. I'm just losing weight  
We're wondering if we should continue the smiths without Andy. It's been hard living without him. I really miss him.  
It's around noon when I try to sit up but I can't. My arms are too weak. They're just flesh draped over bone. I give up after my 5th attempt and decide to just roll out of bed.  
When I fall on the ground I immediately get multiple bruises. I've been getting these a lot. I reach under the bed for my stash and shoot up. It feels so fucking good. I try to use the bed as leverage to lift myself up to stand up but I fall again.  
Mike calls my name and I yell at him back that I can't even walk.  
I should be scared but I'm not.  
He loudly sighs. He comes to my room and picks me up and carries me to the kitchen. While he's carrying me it's obvious he's freaked out by how light I am. He can easily carry me without a struggle. When we get to kitchen and he sits down me at the table and walks over the fridge.  
Oh no.  
I already know were this is going. I tell him I'm not hungry but he doesn't listen. He gets a pudding cup out of the fridge. I plead with him telling him I need to be thin which stops him dead in his tracks.  
"You have to be fucking kidding me Morrissey...you are the thinnest person I've ever seen, you had to sleep with a belt on so your pants wouldn't fall down for fucks sake!!! You look like a skeleton and I can see your colorbones. You couldn't even get out of bed this morning and you can't even walk!!!! You only weigh 78 pounds!!! You're on the verge of death!!! No matter how many doctors tell you that you could drop dead at any second you still continue to do this to yourself!!!" he yells at me with a desperate tone. Before I have a chance to make a rebuttal Mike forces the spoon into mouth. I panic but mike forces my mouth shut and I'm forced to swallow the pudding. He does this a few more times. I'm completely freaking out. He ignores this and repeats the process until the cup is empty.  
I'm beyond pissed. I trust him and he does this to to me!??!? I try to run off to the bathroom to purge but I fall down again and Mike picks me up and carries me to the couch. He lays me down and drapes a blanket over me.  
"I'm sorry I had to do that but you had to eat something,I care about you Morrissey,just lay down and try to get some sleep." he says in a soft calming voice  
I try to protest but the blanket is so warm and soft I fall asleep.  
I'm awakened by Mikes scream.  
He hear him on the phone with 911 and he says something that makes me heart shatter.  
"can you please send an ambulance!? My friend Johnny is passed out on the floor!!?? There's blood coming out his mouth and there's blood in his vomit please come soon!!!" he pleads in a panic.  
I try to get up to comfort Johnny but I'm too weak to walk so I just crawl over to the front door and wait for the ambulance to arrive.  
They're here in 5 minutes and they take Johnny into the the ambulance. Mike carries me to the car and we follow the ambulance.  
I'm panicking sobbing and freaking out. Johnny doesn't deserve to be in this much pain.  
When we arrive the doctor let's us in Johnnys room.  
He's hooked up to life support and other machines. He is barely alive. He's awake at least. I have Mike carry me over to him.  
He turns his hid towards me and looks me lovely in the eyes. He's so beautiful.  
"Morrissey I'm really sorry about breaking up with you" he weakly tells me.  
I grab his hand and kiss him softly on the cheek.  
"Please don't apologize Johnny". I softly whisper.  
He smiles.  
"I love you" he faintly whispers.  
2:45 PM  
That's his time of death  
The doctors say it was a esophagus tear that killed Johnny. He got it from purging.  
The drive home is dead silent. Mike carries me to my room and lay down and go to bed. It's only 2 in the afternoon but I just want the day to be over.  
A few days later  
Mike went back to the hospital and told them how I can't walk due to my eating disorder and they gave me a wheelchair. It's very useful and now Mike doesn't have to carry me everywhere. The media is having a field day over this. We've been in the news a lot lately. Mikes been forcing me to eat at least one cup of pudding every day now. It's makes him so happy to see me eat something. He also got me some new clothes. He had to shop in the women's section because it's the only thing that fits me now.  
I've agreed to go to a treatment center. Mike is too sweet to loose 3 of his best friends. It's not gonna be easy but I need to try. Now I see how badly I was hurting everyone. Johnny was just trying to be as thin as me and it killed him. I'm also gonna try to kick the heroin. I also stopped self harming and I have an appointment with a doctor on Monday.  
I'm doing this for Johnny.


	6. Happy

2 weeks later   
I've been going to see nutritionists and doctors for a few weeks now and I'm making great progress.  
I weigh around 99 pounds now. My goal weight is 115. My clothes are starting to fit normally now.  
I'm much happier and I'm taking my anti depressants. They're really helping! I'm also clean from heroin and self harm.  
I'm finally happy again.


End file.
